danger sh Jettison. The message from the universe. The toastmaster word of the day. Apropos exact message from the universe.

Jettison 
	to throw away or get rid of something that is not wanted or needed

3 days of emotional turmoil basically caused by other people and my reaction to their reactions. I am partially to blame and I’ll own it. Some of my decisions led to the place I am at. Sometimes, it can’t get better till you clear out the poison and just admit, you fucked up.

Let me be really blunt with the Qigong and other stuff I am doing, I can see my living conditions and lifestyle is not at all emotionally safe. Quite the opposite. I don’t have a safe space, and have stopped trusting my support network. I turn around and if I don’t get it from one angle I am getting it from another from the people around me. Again, as the Shiva work all suggested, its social poisons dragging a lot of me down.

A lot of this, is kinda just too many people living in the same area, some of it is not. There is simply a lot of emotions, that are not expressible even in what should be my space. Its all really killing me one encounter at a time, and somedays I feel like I am losing it.

The energy work is keeping that from happening, and allowing me to detach as much as possible. What the energy work is revealing, is the reality so I can do something about it. Theres not much renewing going on, but at least I am getting some ideas.

So I have to find and seek out the wins, allow the garbage to dissolve in the eye of Shiva, and keep moving forward.

Suffice to say, the drama continued from yesterday and when I did what was actually asked of me by others, I made it worse because they didn’t really mean it and then I had already done what was asked. It made things worse of course. Vaguepost aside, and sorry about that… I need to get back to trusting my intuition and being even more stubborn.

At Toastmasters too, I was further reminded some shit needs to change. I literally told people I was going to bring plates and did it in the google sheets. Someone brought plates and stuff and they wanted just to make sure it was done. I was done with that group, right there. Tired of being disrespected. Really tired. Jettison is the word of the day.

Honestly, I feel like more and more, I probably after the death of my family member, I am in that realm of highly functioning depressed. I am not sure it is really chemical, but it feels like every day, I have to deal with something insanely emotionally charged, that is extraordinarily draining to me. I cant shake it or get the space to shake it. Like I said, physically speaking, my living situation is not emotionally safe for me. I kinda only have myself to blame for that based on a host of decisions, and because of that I cant get my footing.

I can admit today, after the meditation and work that truth about the emotional insecurity. Before I was in denial. Denial is not really a place where you can make change. At least now, I can start using Qigong and reframing to toughen myself up, and reframe and rebuild.

All that is to say, what do I do about it? Right now, I have some pretty good ideas. Energy is the problem but I am going to have some time without work which means I can do larger rituals. The first thing I will do is a much bigger and aggressive uncrossing with the archangel Micheal. There is other spirits I can work with and will try some of that too. Then keep doing the Qigong and a 1080 fire homa ( probably more of a bonfire) with Shiva… again truly forcing the negative energy to alchemize one way or another.

So today, yes I did the Qigong today and LBRP, but I did it in my office at work. Honestly, right now, despite all the bullshit at work, it feels more emotionally safe. I did meditatively walk as well, and did 20 minutes of object concentration. That’s why I can write about it, with some honestly and detachment.